| (no subject) |
[Sep. 27th, 2007|04:36 pm] |
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I have never felt more that I have no friends ever in my entire life. I can't keep living in this closet and not talking to anyone. everyone I care about has either left me or lives far enough away that I can't remember what it's like to call someone and have them just come over in the middle of the night if that's when you need them. and no one calls me for that anymore either. This is the worst month of my life and I have never felt more alone. and I don't even know what happened. It's just, sometimes you can lose everything and it feels like you've only blinked. I can't even remember what it feels like to have someone hold me or just look at me like they love me. And it makes sense. I must be so depressing to be around. only two people have even been into my room since school started and they barely stayed a minute. I just don't know what I did to myself. and everyone on facebook is drinking beer in europe. It's such a horrible time in your life when you realize that it doesn't feel good to cry anymore. It doesn't follow with some sense of lightness or relief, like you just needed a good cry. It's a horrible line to cross when you're just crying because you have no idea what else to do. this is not how I pictured things |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 18th, 2007|03:18 pm] |
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merry christmas baby, didn't mean to leave you... didn't mean to leave you hangin on. |
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| zzz zzzzzzz zz |
[Jul. 6th, 2006|07:54 am] |
I've just decided that I'm going to go back to wooster in the fall and if it doesn't feel like the best fucking place on earth for me to be at that moment, I'm going to leave and move to california or new york city |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 31st, 2006|12:11 pm] |
You gave up on me along time ago
I can't say I blame you
I rejected the faith in your holy rays
Is what it comes down to
They said everything would work out just fine
I just went crazy
But I'm better now having a good time
Being selfish, and drunken, and vulgar, and lazy
Bless me dark father I can't win
Without you I'm as good as dead |
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| Apparently... at 6:20 in the morning I write heated letters to cyber-idiots |
[Apr. 12th, 2006|06:21 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  accomplished | ] |
You are an idiot.
I can't believe that this website exists. It must have been real fun to make this. I think if I wanted to a complete ignorant asshole for a day, I might make a website like this. Then I'd go slap my best friend "Bud" on the ass, crack open a beer, and the go watch some porn while I had my "woman" scrub the kitchen floor in nothing but a purple leopard print thong. And then I'd kill myself.
I can't believe you put the time and effort into something so ridiculous. You're right...Angela Davis is probably an anti-christ. And she certainly did nothing for you, as a man. You had that shit on lockdown... didn't you?! Oh... you weren't around during the black power movement? No, no, no, I'm sure you know a lot about it. How could I imply that you don't? And really, who uses facts when they're arguing a point anyway? That's just silly.
Goooood job contributing to the demise of society.
Oh, haha...Hey! remember that time in Soul on Ice when Eldridge Cleaver calls women "prey." GOD, that was funny.
But you know what was really funny? That by the end of the sixties a woman was running the BPP.
p.s. By the way, this is slanderous... this entire website. Only you basically desolved any kind of persuation or damage you could have done by presenting it like a really long hate letter written by a 12 year old. But... what do I know. I'm a woman. And I'm not pregnant OR barefoot.
What a fucking riot. I bet your parents are proud of you
http://blacktown.net/ANGELADAVIS.html |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 3rd, 2006|03:45 am] |
argh.
I hate this place on nights like this. I don't fit in here. And it's so silly to actually be upset about it... but I'm tired of riding to concerts in leather upholstered SUVs or picking up pizza in custom made Hondas or BMWs. We're 19 years old! No one needs that. And instead of thinking about how there's this cultural wealth here with all these people who have the money to take trips to amazing places all the time and can send their kids off to college with cars that cost more than my house... it just makes me feel really shitty. I'm tired of going through facebook albums of "spring break in Greece" - people actually pay for their kids to go to Mexico and Spain and the Bahamas with their friends while they're not busy paying 35,000 dollars a year to send them to college. And I just miss being surrounded by normal people. I mean, there are so many great, normal people here... but I hate feeling like there's also a sort of Wooster royality of trust fund babies. And it's not normal to not have everything at your fingertips. And even just being at parties and watching everyone pull out these big bags of weed and all I can think is... Jesus, your parents bought that. You may never have had a job in your life. And I know, it's stupid to get frustrated. Most of the time I feel so lucky for everything I have. I know I don't have any reason to complain. I wouldn't want to have everything handed to me. But what scares me is that instead of thinking that it's horrible, I just keep thinking that maybe kids are so much better off being raised with money. I mean, they're happy, they're so much happier than I am. Who wouldn't be happy traveling all over the world before they even turn 14 or just knowing that you're not going to have to listen to your parents fight about money. I never cared about having more than enough. But now I'm starting to wonder if that's just normal. I feel like I'm in this alternate world where money is just not an issue, when I feel like ever since I was little money was an issue. Jamie and Sarah keep telling me they want to go have dinner at my house and I just keep trying to figure out how to explain that my house isn't like their houses, or Kendall's house. I'm just so exhausted by feeling like I'm covering my ass all the time and trying to act like I know what its like to go on holidays or drink really nice liquor with my parents. And I feel so stupid for it, but I'm actually starting to feel like I'm worth so much less.
And I washed my face today and it broke out in a big red rash all over. I feel so horrible and worthless and stuck. I'm beginning to hate myself. And of course, everyone here loves life. They have lives at home and in other places... and this was supposed to be my new home and it's not. I miss emma and stacy and people who care and who know who I am and who don't care about things like that |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 31st, 2006|05:05 pm] |
this college is raping me with overdue fees and parking tickets. As if they don't have enough of my money already. Annnd it's not like I'm going to half of my classes anyway, so I shouldn't have to pay full price. right?
one of my professors told me that second semester freshman year is when everyone ends up on academic probation. Maybe he was right. |
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| and I can't tell if you're laughing |
[Mar. 25th, 2006|03:52 am] |
between each smile there's a tear in your eye
One last thing I beg you please just before you go
I've watched you fly on paper wings halfway around the world
Until they burned up in the atmosphere and sent you spiraling down
landing somewhere far from here with no one else around
to catch you falling down
and I'm looking at you now
I feel empty and sallow. I'm drained completely of my guts and heart and I just feel like it's useless to try anymore. I'm disconnected from everyone I care about, whether its by miles or history and I just want to give up. This isn't a life |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 18th, 2006|05:14 am] |
Give me your eyes
I need sunshine |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 7th, 2006|02:34 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | no doubt | ] |
For some reason, even just in the past few days, I'm beginning to like Wooster. I'm okay with it. I mean, maybe I just wasn't letting myself give it a chance. It's been so long since I've just let myself laugh at stupid things and feel happy. I'm the girl who can be happy almost anywhere with at least a few friends and a couple of drinks, and I've been the complete opposite since I got here. I just hope I can change things now. I feel like maybe I isolated myself right off and now it might be hard to get people to warm up to me. I don't know. I'm not too worried about it. Spring break will be fantastic, and hopefully I'll come back recharged and happier. I could get used to this place. And it wouldn't be settling. As much as I bitch about it, this is a good place for me right now. I'm not sure what my problem has been. But I'm trying to fix it.
This summer:
take rolls and rolls of film
road trip to Philadelphia
visit New York
make my mom teach me french
start painting again
make some $$
learn to play something
take classes at CIA
spend every hour I can with my friends
hang out with Alex in columbus
look for internships for next summer
pick a major?
learn to skateboard!
read more dave eggers
fuck. shit. up.
swim in the river
learn how to screen print
buy a video camera
live
yay! my 2:30 class just got cancelled |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 26th, 2006|10:00 pm] |
"Take 'em all for the long ride!
and you'll go around town
no one wants to be uptight anymore.
You can be ashamed
or be so proud of what you've done
but not no one, not now, not ever or anyone.
Take 'em all for the sense of happiness
that comes from hurting deep down inside.
Or you can add it up and give a shit, give a shit,
go to the family doctor it’s all worth it, all worth it —
All, all wrong, and its all, all gone.
Or, you can add it up and give a shit, give a shit,
I’m on the corner of this and this and this and this!
All, all wrong, and it’s all, all gone…
Here's the man with teeth like God's shoeshine;
he sparkles; shimmers; shines…
Let's all have another Orange Julius —
Thick syrup standin’ in lines.
The malls are the soon-to-be ghost towns,
well so long, farewell, good-bye.
And the telephone goes off.
Pick the receiver up, try to meet ends
and find out the beginning, the end and the best of it" |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 23rd, 2006|06:05 pm] |
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Ma tête et mon coeur je veux au sentir relié encore. |
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| Found eighteen reasons I can't pick up on the phone |
[Feb. 19th, 2006|09:52 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | op ivy "the crowd," talib kweli "beautiful struggle" | ] |
my tummy aches... real bad. I keep drinking lots of water (but not too much) to try to fix it, but it's not working. I keep having flashbacks about that time I had the stomach flu a few months ago, which was quite possibly one of my least favorite 48 hours ever. Well, when it comes to physical pain. I just read Zach Braff's blog. It made me chuckle. And now I'm being a little bit bored, a little bit restless, a little bit tired, and a little bit jittery. I can't seem to shake this bad feeling about a number of things... and frankly, it's beginning to make me feel even more not good than I felt before and even more bad at life than I usually feel. This weekend was a blur and I can't say it started off well... what with friday night and all, but I'm fine, if nothing else has come over the past few months it's me learning how to sort of roll over people doing shitty things/hurting my feelings. And more than anything, it's not the ones that are unintentional.. those I can handle, I know I'm just as bad with that as anyone. It's just those ones that people apologize for before they even do them. You know? Like... hey, I'm so sorry I'm going to punch you in the stomach, and I don't have to, but I'm still going to do it... you're not mad at me, are you?
At some point I'd like to stop feeling like everything is my fault. And I'd like to feel human again. I'd like to feel like I'm worth something even if I'm not making only decisions that other people want me to make. And I'd like to be in some position where I feel like the people who care about me trust me to make those decisions.
I miss the summer, I miss feeling warm and in control... and I miss my home. My home, as in where my heart is. I don't know where my heart is right now. As far as I can tell, it's just in my chest. Which, I don't think is ideal. And as much as a number of people, I'm sure, would disagree with me saying this... I think I just got hurt, and so I took it back and it's sort of chilling out until the coast is clear. As much as I tell myself I'm overreacting, I just can't help feeling like I'll always be the one taking the blame for trying to put out a plane that was burning. I know I've been saying this for six months. But I need a fucking vacation. And by vacation I mean, a reset button. I need a new perspective, because this one is shot... I've been trying the same thing for so long, and I need an end. I'm not being secretive, I'm an open book. I just am emotionally spent and exhausted and no one is giving me a chance to recharge or rethink, they're just pushing. And saying that they're thinking of me is bullshit, if anyone was thinking of me... they would have let up a while ago and listened to what I was saying or at least thought of me. And maybe that's unfair. But I always thought that love is putting other people first. And I have tried so hard not to hurt anyone and still do what's best for me or at least apologize and not repeat the mistakes I've made, but maybe that's just not how it works. I know it's not that easy. But THIS is life. And I just want to be free to live it on my own terms. That doesn't mean that I want to stop loving anyone or cut myself off... I just want to be able to love who I want how I want. If that makes any sense at all. I mean, feelings aren't in standard issue. And it's not like you can change them. I just would like someone to appreciate me and still love me even if I'm not telling them what they want to hear. And the fact that I never say this is WHY I acquire stalkers and bad acquaintances like most people acquire footwear. BUT, I also have the best friends in the entire fucking world, so why am I really complaining? I don't know. I'm having a bad night. So please, this is my life. Will someone try to get it back to me? I'm trying to be so many things to so many people that sometimes I feel like I'll burst.
p.s. I've felt chunks welling up in my throat all day, but I don't feel at all like puking. How sick is that?
I really do love you all, I'm just shitfaced on a boat out to sea and there's no side to spew over |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 4th, 2006|02:15 am] |
what a strange and delightful night...
mmm, I am dreadfully drunk |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 21st, 2006|01:53 am] |
Tonight was good... really good. I'm writing this now so I don't change my mind in the morning. I spent some time with Laura, Una, Alana, Adam, Noah. It was a success, really. I decided to go to the Greenhouse with Alex and ended up hanging out in Nick and Tucker's room for a long time. I met some great people. Dana and Jonathon, her boyfriend... who looks like Serge (the beautiful and ridiculous black man who plays Bowie covers in that Wes Anderson film, when I say "looks like" I mean... fucking looks exactly like. And he's British.) a boy named Andrew who I think is Scottish and has a great accent (Una's boyfriend) and a few other people. I ended up going to a party at the Kennedy Apartments with Laura and Alana. I only stayed for a little while though because something tells me I should be in bed right now... seeing as I need to be awake in 5 hours, but it was fun, packed, hot, interesting. I didn't know anyone there but the people I came with and Adam and Noah, and that was fine... they didn't know anyone either. I danced with Laura to Love Fool by the Cardigans. I'll call tonight a success. Maybe I just haven't been searching hard enough for people I can like/love/admire. Well, not to exclude Becca. She definetly falls under every one of those catagories. And I didn't get to see her tonight, which I am sad about.
And... if I type for any longer this will become too much of a drunk ramble. So... peace out. Goodnight. Buenos Noches. I miss you, I love you, everyone who will read this. I can't decide whether I'm finding myself or losing myself, but to be completely honest... I may just be okay with either one. Because really, doesn't losing yourself help you find yourself in the end? no? okay. I've got too much rum and cheap wine in my system to decide right now, or to take responsibility for anything in this. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 20th, 2006|02:20 am] |
I want someone here to want to hang out with me... I hate constantly meeting people I think I could love but not knowing what to say or do to make them want to be friends with me. I hate seeing people I want to meet and knowing that I mostly meet the assholes here. Being in the room with one person when their roomate reminds me of friends back home and I wish I'd met them... and there's nothing I can do. What do you do? I want to have enough confidence to feel okay, to start a conversation with someone I've met that seems amazing. I'm tired of listening to cocorosie in my room alone, thinking about how lonely I am. Why am I so unapproachable? I want to go to France. I want to swallow the world, but all I do is think about it. Am I too boring? too interesting? too quite? too loud? too pretty? too plain? too blonde? too tall? too short? too fat? too skinny? too open? too unapproachable? too eager? too apprehensive? I'm a pussy cat, a bunny... I love too easily. why are people scared of me? cold to me? it makes me hate myself. I want to feel myself again... I want to connect with another person
I miss home. I miss being surrounded by people who understand me |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 23rd, 2005|10:15 pm] |
To make a mountain of your life
Is just a choice
But I never learned enough
To listen to the voice that told me
Always love… Hate will get you every time
Always love… Don’t wait til the finish line
Slow demands come 'round
Squeeze the air and keep the rest out
It helps to write it down
Even when you then cross it out
But Always Love… Hate will get you every time
Always Love…Even when you wanna fight
Self-directed lives
I want to know what it’d be like to
Aim so high above
Any card that you've been dealt, you...
Always Love… Hate will get you every time
Always Love… Hate will get you…
I've been held back by something
Yeah. You said to me quietly on the stairs,
I've been held back by something
Yeah. You said to me quietly on the stairs. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 19th, 2005|11:27 am] |
sometimes I look at pictures of myself and I think I don't have a soul anymore
... or maybe Rumi is just making me homesick |
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| fuck off |
[Dec. 17th, 2005|08:30 pm] |
I'm going to be happy again, and I won't continue to feel bad about it.
Everything is beginning to fall into place again-in a really beautifully random way. I'm finally remembering who I am, who I used to be, who I want to be. And it feels incredible.
I know who my friends are and who I love, and that's enough. I have james, alex, and becca at school and so many people back home. That's all that matters in the end... the people who would die for you and the people you would die for. Life is a tangled series of relationships and sacrifices, and you have to choose which ones to dwell in.
"Difficult times have helped me to understand better than before, how infinitely rich and beautiful life is in every way, and that so many things that one goes on worrying about are of no importance whatsoever..." |
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